#ashley: ashley in conversation with sara and vice versa
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HIDE YOUR DOGS. LOCK YOUR DOORS: In which Sara and Ashley finally recount what happened during last year’s finale
[Alternate title: GMTA.]
[Ashley and I have alluded to our whirlwind of a day during last year’s finale many times on various podcasts but we’ve never actually talked about what went on. Since we’re now a full season later, and once again watching the finale together, we thought we’d chat about that crazy night, and how we’re attempting to prevent another disaster from occurring this year (at least as far as we can control). --Sara]
Ashley: Okay, hello to my friend who is sitting 18 inches away from me.
Sara: oh hi!
Sara: i feel like we should be sitting on opposite sides of each other so you can't read what i am writing
Ashly: would you like a glass of wine or is it too early?
Sara: mm it's almost 4
Ashley: ok brb afk
Sara: what is afk
Sara: ty for getting me wine
Ashley: cheers!
Sara: Cheers!! 🙄
Sara: I meant that to be a 😘
Sara: they are just next to each other on my most used emojis
Ashley: i have not received an eyeroll emoji in a really long time
Ashley: times have changed
Sara: they sho have
Ashley speaking of times changing
Sara: and SHO
Ashley: you are very funny sara
Sara: ikr
Ashley: ya
Ashley: anyhoozles
Sara: i'm glad that word has caught on
Ashley: yeah with me
Sara: me too!
Ashley: ANY
Ashley: HOOZLES
Sara: ANYHOOZLES
Sara: today is the day of the finale, which you forgot about
Sara: and i want to talk about what we were doing LAST year for the finale
Ashley: we are coming atcha from across my friend’s kitchen table
Sara: this is a story we tried to tell on the podcast like 4 separate times
Ashley: last year for the finale was so good
Ashley: i know you think it was a disaster but it was a REALLY FUN DAY
Sara: that weekend started out kinda shitty though
Ashley: omg
Ashley: because my flight got canceled
Sara: remember your flight got canceled
Sara: JINX
Ashley: yep
Sara: it was v stressful but you ended up making it to chicago
Ashley: the weather had been horrific in boston all weekend, so flights were impossible. i ended up flying to indianapolis.
Sara: for some reason i had not internalized that you were vegan-ish then so i got like cheese and crackers for some reason idk
Sara: so much has changed in the past year
Ashley: did you? you got me cinnamon sugar pita chips from trader joes.
Sara: yes i did
Sara: later we got chicago vodka
Ashley: we did!
Ashley: but i think we did that on saturday
Sara: and remember you saw someone in trader joe's that was a friend of a friend? that was freaky
Ashley: yeah and i only knew him because i was wearing a t-shirt for the crossfit my friend owned
Ashley: and he was all, “do you know the lady who owns it?"
Ashley: no, dumbass, i just bought this random-ass shirt
Sara: in hindsight that was probably the beginning of your long con to make me believe this person existed
Ashley: anyway we got vodka
Ashley: and wine
Ashley: hahahaha
Ashley: i talked to her on the phone last night and you HEARD ME, i ignored you for 45 minutes because i am a good hostess
Ashley: i left you to the dogs
Ashley: do you think people are going to really want to read this sara
Sara: ok but saturday was brunch and hamilton and you went to take a nap but ended up sleeping the rest of the night
Ashley: i did!
Sara: SUNDAY
Sara: ok on sunday
Sara: finale day
Sara: LAST YEAR'S FINALE DAY
Ashley: we went to a white sox game
Ashley: and they lost
Sara: yes that was fun as fuck
Ashley: and we drank alcoholic root beer
Sara: that was delicious!
Ashley: which was the beginning of a D E S C E N T
Sara: yes
Ashley: your phone is buzzing
Sara: it was really hot that day too
Ashley: do you want to check it
Sara: i just did it's ok
Ashley: it was! was i wearing a hot pink running skirt?
Sara: idr
Sara: i have a pic from that day
Ashley: me too but it’s just our faces
Ashley: i was wearing a white sox shirt
Ashley: and we went to navy pier
Ashley: and rode the ferris wheel
Sara: look how long my hair is! look how red yours is
Sara: we went to navy pier and the ferris wheel on saturday
Ashley: oh i forgot i had that necklace
Ashley: REMEMBER HOW RED MY HAIR WAS IN THE SUN????
Sara: SUNDAY we went to two separate locations to buy a tv
Ashley: oh was that saturday?? yeah that makes sense.
Ashley: right, we had to buy a tv.
Sara: for anyone still reading this
Ashley: because the tv in our airbnb was not HDMI equipped
Sara: the airbnb where we were staying did not have HDMI hook-ups
Ashley: i was like “we can watch on my computer” and you were like
Sara: so we couldn't hook up a roku
Ashley: IT IS THE FINALE
Sara: yes, i don't play around with that shit
Ashley: you brought your apple tv too
Sara: we went to target first
Ashley: we were both prepared
Ashley: we just wanted to buy the shitty roku that has the AV cables but technology has advanced
Sara: and were like "do you have a roku that just hooks up with the red/yellow/white cables"
Sara: and the guy said they did but he was mistaken
Ashley: okay really we are the same person so like
Ashley: we’re just typing the same things
Sara: we're both telling the same story
Sara: ok i will finish
Sara: the story
Ashley: i know but we do this all the time
Ashley: SARA BOUGHT A WHOLE TV
Sara: we do remember when we both had the same question about why you would still PMS after you had a hysterectomy
Ashley: AND IT LIVED IN HER CAR UNTIL SHE MOVED TO NEW YORK
Sara: true story
Sara: I BOUGHT THE FUCKING TV
Ashley: that wasn’t the question
Sara: we went to best buy
Ashley: the question was where the eggs would go if you still had your ovaries but no uterus
Sara: oh yeah
Sara: i had to ask my mom
Ashley: shouts out to our friend who recently got de-utez
Ashley: ed
Ashley: de-utezed
Sara: the answer by the way
Sara: is that the eggs are just re-absorbed into your body
Sara: the human body is so silly!
Sara: BACK TO OUR STORY
Ashley: that entire quote is sara’s mom
Ashley: she was like “i don’t ask what makes my car work"
Sara: no my mom said the human body is amazing
Sara: and i said the human body is silly
Sara: OK BACK TO OUR STORY FOR REAL
Ashley: there is a dog outside
Ashley: the dogs inside are going crazy
Sara: much barks
Ashley: woofs!
Sara: dogs is going crazy*
Ashley: yes thank you
Ashley: BACK TO OUR STORY
Sara: so we get to best buy
Ashley: sara bought a tv and we had to uber it 12 minutes back to the apartment
Sara: and i ask the best buy man which of the TVs have HDMI hook-ups
Sara: and he's like "um all of them it's the year 2017"
Sara: and i said "ok i need to buy the cheapest tv because i really only want to watch one thing on it"
Sara: so i bought a tv
Sara: it was like $100
Sara: i intended to return it
Sara: but that did not happen
Ashley: i think it was $132
Sara: shit that's expensive
Sara: i'm so ridiculous
Sara: 132 american dollars to watch that shit ass finale
Ashley: i wonder if the best buy man’s ears are ringing
Sara: i'm sure he's reading this
Ashley: hi best buy man
Sara: anyway we uber'd back to the airbnb to drop the tv off
Sara: then went to the white sox game where they lost
Sara: THEN we went to the liquor store
Sara: to buy liquor
Sara: bc after 2 drinks at the baseball game that seemed like a good idea
Ashley: no we just went back to trader joe's
Sara: [we just had a verbal argument about whether we got the liquor at a liquor store or trader joe's]
Sara: [ashley was right]
Ashley: [ashley is often right]
Ashley: we also bought wine from walgreens
Sara: which is what i remembered as a liquor store
Sara: we bought cupcake wine in honor of carrie mathison
Sara: and some red bull
Sara: for red bull and vodka
Ashley: oh god the red bull
Ashley: because as you know ashley is sleepy
Sara: that was the first (AND LAST) time i ever had red bull + vodka
Sara: we pre-gamed with the red bull/vodka
Sara: by the time the episode had started we were drinking the pinot grigio
Ashley: and we got a bottle of whispering angel which i am also drinking tonight
Sara: ew
Sara: i can't drink that anymore
Sara: blech
Ashley: but i only have a little bit left
Ashley: i bought better wine for later
Ashley: remember? you were there.
Sara: ya i was there we got octopus wine too
Sara: AND PRETZELS
Ashley: how stoked were you when the OA said her fave food was pretzels
Sara:
Ashley: and wtf kind of question is that to ask a woman who has been subsisting on fucking nutrition pellets for however long
Sara: i didn't feel like i drank that much
Sara: during last year's finale
Sara: but we somehow drank the entire bottle of pinot grigio despite me feeling like i had at most 1 glass
Ashley: wait am i going to have to tell the whole story of all of my adventures that night or can we skip it
Sara: you have to tell it but we're not there yet
Ashley: shit
Ashley: ok
Sara: i remember watching that godawful finale next to you so distinctly
Sara: like... i don't really allow talking during homeland unless i initiate it
Ashley: and you broke all your rules
Sara: yes, that's what i'm getting at
Ashley: well not the phone one
Ashley: gmta
Sara: when they showed quinn being shot i was like "holy shit. they killed him"
Sara: and you punched me
Ashley: and i was like
Ashley: NO THEY DIDN'T
Sara: ya you never believed he was dead
Sara: like
Sara: ever
Ashley: the past year has been remarkably similar
Sara: lol right??
Ashley: oh god that fucking finale
Sara: while i believed from the very second 100% he was dead
Ashley: as soon as it was over we decided to record a podcast
Ashley: but we were not allowed to release it
Ashley: and sara has deleted it
Ashley: sorry guys
Ashley: she failed you
Sara: i don't remember anything from the second half of watching that episode though
Sara: i also don't remember what we talked about on the podcast
Sara: it was SUPER drunken
Ashley: well we were so drunk
Sara: ya and i checked whatsapp
Sara: and it was in a full scale panic
Sara: and i just went to bed
Ashley: you went to bed pretty much right after the finale and i went into the bedroom to check in with everybody
Sara: i was like peace out homies
Ashley: and everybody was sad so i was like “i’m not doing this"
Ashley: sigh
Ashley: okay sara went to sleep
Ashley: and ashley, for once, did not.
Sara: at like 10 so right after the drunk podcast was finished
Ashley: i went and committed a crime
Ashley: the end.
Sara: that's a great teaser
Sara: COME ON you love to tell this story
Sara: it's really funny
Ashley: dude i don’t know if i’m allowed to publicly tell it though
Ashley: i almost broke up a relationship
Sara: use code words
Sara: or euphemisms
Ashley: okay so after the episode i really wanted to talk about ANYTHING other than homeland
Sara: [typing]
Ashley: dude stop it i’m telling it
Sara: i was typing to jordan not you
Ashley: HI JORDAN
Ashley: anyway i couldn’t really handle the whatsapp chat because everybody was sad
Ashley: and i was in denial. nothing has changed.
Ashley: sara just interrupted me to verbally spoil me about the homeland finale
Ashley: “I DIDN’T SPOIL YOU, FUCKING SHOWTIME TWITTER DID” - sara
Ashley: who is not obeying her own rules
Ashley: anyway i have a friend who watches homeland, and in fact got me into homeland, but he is what some might call a “casual viewer"
Ashley: he is usually 1-2 weeks behind
Ashley: that’s not really a problem anymore now that i have ALL YOU GUYS
Ashley: but i decided that i wanted to talk to him. also, he lives in chicago. this is pertinent information.
Ashley: so i tried to call him.
Ashley: no answer.
Ashley: i tried to call him like 50 more times.
Ashley: no answer.
Ashley: i sent a bunch of texts. NO ANSWER.
Ashley: finally i just decided to go over to his house.
Ashley: which was probably a ten minute walk from our airbnb, but i took an uber.
Ashley: and i got there and i rang his buzzer.
Ashley: no answer.
Sara: you also made friends with your uber driver who called YOU like 50 times over the next month
Ashley: i rang his buzzer again. NO ANSWER.
Ashley: i did. drunk ashley is retiring after the episode tonight.
Ashley: at least until season 8.
Sara: what? --me before you sent that last message
Sara: oh ok. --me after you sent that last message
Ashley: there were some people out walking their dogs, so i petted them.
Ashley: and eventually i just followed somebody who lived in the building into the building.
Sara: that's not suspicious at all
Ashley: walked up to his apartment
Ashley: and knocked
Ashley: NO ANSWER
Ashley: knocked a few more times
Ashley: NO ANSWER
Ashley: decided, in my infinite drunkness, to try the doorknob.
Sara: the thing that opens doors
Ashley: just fyi you guys, if you have a friend like me, you might want to lock your doors.
Ashley: because i walked into his pitch-black apartment at like 11:30 at night, because he is a grown adult and he had to get up in the morning.
Ashley: and ultimately walked into his bedroom and was like DUDE.
Sara: HIDE YOUR DOGS
Sara: LOCK YOUR DOORS
Ashley: and he woke up and was like
Ashley: i’m trying to figure out how best to describe his reaction
Ashley: he opened his eyes and was like, “oh, hi.”
Ashley: that’s it that’s all that happened
Sara: if you walked into my apartment in the middle of the night without warning i'd believe first that you were a ghost
Sara: a very lifelike one
Ashley: i spent two hours in his apartment in the middle of the night complaining about how carlos sanchez was going by his original first name, ‘yolmer'
Ashley: and apparently i told him straight up that quinn died
Sara: LOL
Sara: at the yolmer part
Ashley: he complained about some things of his own
ara: what kinds of things did he complain about
Ashley: surprisingly, not about the fact that i showed up at his apartment in the middle of the night.
Ashley: we had lunch a day or two later and i was like “what the fuck is wrong with you and how are we still friends,” and he was like
Sara: good friend
Ashley: “well i went back to sleep afterward and it’s not like you ransacked the place"
Ashley: anyway, this year i do not have anybody’s house to break into
Ashley: because i am already in the only house i’d be able to break into easily
Sara: our tv has an hdmi cable
Sara: we have TWO DOGS
Ashley: TWO
Sara: one who is basically the dog version of me
Ashley: we are going to snuggle with both of them
Sara: the other who is a giant disaster
Ashley: don’t say what you’re typing
Ashley: oh
Ashley: never mind yes that is accurate
Ashley: i thought you were going to say that the other one reminds you of me
Sara: no
Ashley: but i can at least keep my tongue in my mouth
Sara: i've never met any human who is like the other dog
Sara: she is the happiest, most insane, most ridiculous dog ever
Sara: and we need to tire her out
Sara: before 9pm
Ashley: to be fair, i’ve met some insane and ridiculous humans.
Sara: same
Sara: but she is HAPPY
Sara: "her is a happy dog," as you would say
Ashley: yeah, and her crazy is nothing that can’t be dealt with by throwing a ball around the yard
Ashley: although her feets does get muddy
Ashley: anyway we have wine
Ashley: and only wine
Sara: i have pretzels
Ashley: and baked goods!
Sara: and bagels
Sara: this year, the key to not repeating last year is to eat something
Ashley: i have cookies shaped like unicorns and dogs and a few that are shaped like unicorn dogs
Sara: and also not be near houses you could easily break into
Ashley: didn’t we eat last year??
Sara: no
Sara: that was the problem
Sara: we ate some at the baseball game
Sara: but not for like 8 hours after that
Sara: despite the fact we continued to imbibe
Ashley: so i will blame it on the alcohol
Sara: i was feeling chill about the episode
Sara: until i just saw that time jump tweet
Sara: we should go play with the dogs now
Ashley: do you think you will stay up until 9:30pm
Ashley: or 10:30pm
Ashley: rather
Sara: yes
Ashley: i forgot what time zone we are in
Ashley: i also forgot the finale was on tonight
Sara: that happened
Ashley: what would you do if i was like “i’m gonna go take a nap"
Sara: i would say ok
Sara: go take a nap
Sara: you must be tired from driving literally all over boston and cambridge
Ashley: say what you mean
Ashley: “you must be tired from thinking you knew where you were going"
Ashley: “and then getting lost"
Ashley: “in the place where you live"
Ashley: “multiple times"
Sara: "getting lost all over boston and cambridge even though you have lived here your whole entire life except for a summer when you lived in canada"
Ashley: BULLSHIT i didn’t grow up in boston/cambridge, i grew up in the suburbs
Sara: "turn right then immediately turn left"
Sara: is basically google maps in cambridge
Ashley: also i didn’t tell you that i got a little bit lost on the way to the market after brunch, but i got there without any help.
Sara: HAHAHHAHAHAHAH
Sara: you handled it like a pro
Sara: i had no idea
Sara: i think because we were listening to a v funny recording of you reading fic dramatically
Ashley: to be fair though
Ashley: i didn’t JUST drive around cambridge and boston all day
Ashley: i ALSO went to CrossFit
Ashley: omg yes
Sara: this is so long we should wrap up
Ashley: and that’s when i forgot the finale was tonight
Ashley: because i attempted to schedule a personal training session for tomorrow morning
Sara: ok on my Things Carrie Wore This Week posts i always end with "IN CONCLUSION: _____"
Sara: so how would you CONCLUDE this conversation
Ashley: IN CONCLUSION what did YOU do this morning that was so strenuous
Sara: IN CONCLUSION NOTHING BUT I AM ALSO NOT ABOUT TO GO TAKE A NAP
Ashley: IN CONCLUSION I’m not either but I also wasn’t going to, I just wanted to know how you’d respond.
Sara: IN CONCLUSION: single-use TV, breaking and entering, DOGS, ashley take a nap what else is new
Ashley: IN CONCLUSION: why is almost all of that ashley stuff
Sara: single-use TV is mine
Sara: and DOGS is both
Ashley: IN CONCLUSION no charges were pressed
Ashley: Enjoy the show
Ashley: THE END
Sara: IN CONCLUSION
Sara: the goddamn
Sara: worst
Sara: $132
Sara: i ever spent
Sara: THE END
Sara: .
Sara: go take a nap
Ashley: I’m not tired I was just wondering
Ashley: GOODBYE EVERYBODY
Ashley: WE ARE GOING TO TALK IN OUR VOICES NOW
Sara: auf wiedersehen!
#by: sara#by: ashley#sara: what should we call this?#sara: ashley and sara in conversation#ashley: ashley in conversation with sara and vice versa#ashley in conversation with vice versa#homeland#shiz#THIS IS SO LONG JFC
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